We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
