I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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