Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
