Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
