I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
