I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Randomize
