the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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