i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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