I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sorry about my life...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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