I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
