I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
