My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
