Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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