what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
