every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
