Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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