Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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