just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
