i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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