i barfeds in our rink
he puts the penis in happiness.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
