Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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