I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
