he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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