you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
