i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize