I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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