Swine flu. Run for my life!
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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