If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize