So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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