I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
