i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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