i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
