My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
