Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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