i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
