Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
