I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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