wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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