Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
