I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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