we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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