I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
