I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
