I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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