Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
