can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
