I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
