My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
