you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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