Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
