I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
