Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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