she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
