I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
