well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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