Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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