my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
