Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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